I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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