I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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