Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
it glows. i had to have it.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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