Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
