i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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