I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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