So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
