My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
