help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
