I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
