Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
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