Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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