ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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