Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
