I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Randomize