life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
How naked do you want me to be?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
