i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
