she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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