Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Randomize
