Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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