Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
