as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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