I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
my poor anus
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
