Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
