Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
