Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
