So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
