i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
