if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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