so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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