Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
we should paint friendship bongs
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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