Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
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