shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
