i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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