I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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