just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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