I'm gonna have a badass scar
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
