I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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