she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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