my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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