im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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