So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
There's always time for handjobs
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
