I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
