how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
