I am puke
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
