I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Randomize
