I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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