I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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