life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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