Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
