Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
No...this little piggys going to the bar
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just forgot I was standing up.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
