The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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