who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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