got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
