That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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