The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
