Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
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