dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
How's work?
Spinning.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
