Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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