Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
