there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
