you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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