Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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